Tangled Up In Plaid
by nottonyharrison
Summary: "Sorry, Malfoy. I've just had a karma transplant and I wasn't planning on sullying my shiny new mojo with murder." Sirius and Hermione have a bit of smutty fun in the Beemer. Oh, and there's plot too! Part 7 in the 'Monsters in the Parasol' series.


_Tangled up in Plaid _

**Disclaimer: **All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this story. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any previously copyrighted material. No copyright infringement is intended.

**A/N:** And finally, the smutty one. I have to admit, it's been a while since I wrote something that wasn't just filled with UST laden banter, so forgive me if I'm not as descriptive as some authors. I think the amount of touching leading up to the smut should make up for it though. Enjoy!

...

"Oh no no nonono."

"Come on Granger, it won't be that bad."

"Sorry, Malfoy. I've just had a karma transplant and I wasn't planning on sullying my shiny new mojo with murder."

"Oh come on, you might enjoy it..." Draco raised an eyebrow and gave Hermione a suggestive leer.

"You are truly disgusting."

"He's hot, you're hot, you're both single...well he's single anyway. What's the problem?"

"I can't believe you, of all people would suggest this! You _hate_ bringing in freelancers, and _him_ of all people." She stood behind her desk with her hands on her hips, wavy caramel hair catching the morning light coming through the window. Draco briefly entertained making the most of her impassioned fury but then thought better of it when a stapler came flying across the small room. He ducked and turned toward the door behind him in bewilderment.

"I thought you were friends!"

"Yes, Malfoy, Friends! Not fuck buddies! Merlin!" Draco silently thanked the powers that be for the silencing charms cast on all the field agent's offices and slowly began inching toward the door. "Don't you even _think_ about weaseling out of this discussion!"

"I have some paperwork to finish, and it's not much of a discussion anyway, really. Is it?" His voice lifted with the last two words and he winced in anticipation of the muggle hole punch that also sat on her desk. She glowered at him and reached for the heavy looking implement. He took the moment of lost eye contact to run to the door.

"This isn't over, Malfoy!" There was a loud thud as the door clicked closed. Draco could have sworn he saw a small piece of metal sticking through the wood of the door where his head had been moments earlier. He winced and turned toward his own office two doors down.

"_MALFOY!_"

The door swung open abruptly and he found himself gripped by the collar of his grey shirt, and being dragged back into the office. So much for escaping unscathed.

...

Hermione was livid. The presumptuous prick had gone ahead and signed off the assignment without her. It had already been authorized by Kingsley and she was now doomed. She tore open the door to her office and found Draco still cowering on the other side, clearly about to make the short dash to the safety of his office. She grabbed his shirt and dragged him back inside, slamming the door and shoving him against it. She was surprised at her own strength when she realized his feet were a few inches off the ground.

"How _dare_ you authorize the prostitution of your _partner_!" Her grip was tightening on his collar and Draco winced.

"...Air...please...?" He wheezed. She loosened her grip minimally. He took a deep breath and put on his best lovable puppy face.

"Don't even think about it," she snapped.

"I swear, you won't actually have to _do_ anything. He was available and it will be believable for a guy that looks like him to have a hot young thing on his arm."

"Do you have any idea how _dangerous_ it's going to be for us to go in as _ourselves_? You are completely barking!"

"What's done is done, sweets." He winced at his desperate attempt at an endearment and she gave up. "Besides, how suspicious would it look to have two unknowns making a spectacle of themselves in an underground wizarding bar? Word would get out rather fast, doncha think" Letting go abruptly she turned and headed back toward her desk.

"Go on then, piss off."

"I'd rather have angry sex." She growled and reached for the poker next to the fireplace. Her fingers hadn't even managed to grasp the handle before there was a brief scuttling and the door slammed.

...

In a dark and ominous corner of a rather dodgy looking club called Tartan, a couple sat in a booth apparently wrapped up in their own world...or at least wrapped up in each other. The witch straddled the dark haired wizards lap, head buried in the crook of his neck.

"Why the hell couldn't we just mug her? This is ridiculous, not to mention degrading," she muttered into his ear.

"Because then she would know that someone was after the file and that would _not_ be good. And since when do you care about playing the role of horny girlfriend. Surely this isn't a first."

Hermione growled and forcefully ground her heel into his thigh. Sirius gripped her arm in pain and let out a small yelp. "Don't be stupid. I just don't understand why you had to insinuate yourself on this mission."

"You should be thanking me, do you really want the entire wizarding world to start calling you a slapper?"

"Oh, I thought they already were. Thanks to your fascination with touching me inappropriately in public," she hissed angrily.

"So stop wearing those fucking jeans you love so much. There's only so much of your hot little arse I can take before my brain no longer controls my hands," he hissed back. His eyes flicked to the door and he smirked, tilting his head down to where Hermione's was tucked in by his head he nudged her head to the side and caught her lips with his.

She broke away briefly. "I'm guessing she's here."

Sirius licked his lips and nodded almost imperceptibly and she shoved him back against the cushion of the bench seat with enough force to make him grunt. Her mouth was on his a moment later, sucking his lower lip between her teeth, hands were forcing his shoulders back against the leather, occasionally batting his own away from her waist. He groaned in frustration at not being allowed to touch her and sneakily slid his hands up her front to wrap around her neck.

She gasped against his mouth and he took the opportunity to slide his tongue past her teeth, holding her head close to stop her pulling back. He was a little surprised when she responded, sliding her own tongue sensually against his and teasing him by flicking it against his teeth.

"You little minx," he murmured against her lips when he finally loosened his grip.

"Needs to be believable doesn't it?" She was breathing heavily, her breath mingling with his as their lips brushed together. Her heel was still digging into his leg, but he ignored the pain as he hotly took her mouth again.

One of her hands had left his shoulder worming it's way to the front of his shirt, popping the top three buttons and sliding under the soft gray cotton. She hitched herself up higher on his lap and wildly ground herself against his groin, his cock reacting almost instantly.

"Fuck, Granger. You really know how to distract a guy." She trailed her mouth over his jaw, settling on his ear, her tongue dipping into the small cavity and eventually back down to his lobe, which she bit sharply. Sirius moaned and snapped his eyes closed, but not before taking note of the woman standing at the bar.

"She's noticed us."

"Finally," she muttered. "Come on, time to get this show on the road."

He slid his hands down toward her waist, stopping to give her breast a quick squeeze on the way. She shoved him harshly and then sat up straight, allowing him to grip her waist and lift her off his lap. She stood and grabbed his shirt collar roughly, dragging him toward the loos at the back of the bar.

A few moments later he was shoving her up against the wall of the short hallway, lips frantically tangling with hers. "Why the hell do you have to be _married..._" he gasped between kisses.

"Enjoy it while you can, Black. I'll do anything for national security." She brushed her nose against his and caught his bottom lip in her teeth, soothing it with her tongue afterward. Sirius picked her up by the hips, forcing her to wrap her legs around his waist. He took her prone position as an opportunity to slide his hand up her skirt to rest on her upper thigh, teasing the line of her knickers with the tips of his fingers.

He was almost too wrapped up in the otherwise forbidden touch of her lips to hear the sharp click of stilettos against the tile flooring.

"You two look like you want company," a husky Russian accented voice came from a few feet away. Sirius turned his head to the side just enough to make eye contact.

Miranda Vitilenko was a beautiful woman. Long blond hair hung down to her mid-back and her wide green eyes held an air of mystery and danger. If he hadn't been so hung up on the woman he currently had pressed against the cold black wall she was exactly the type he would go after in a heartbeat. He scolded himself mentally, reminding himself they were on a mission.

"And what, my dear, would you want with an old man and his whore of a girlfriend?" He slapped Hermione's thigh for emphasis and slurred his words slightly. She bit his ear again and he bucked sharply, pushing her harder against the wall.

Miranda laughed and smirked dangerously. She took a few steps closer and reached out, tucking a strand of Hermione's hair behind her ear. "You two are very beautiful. And you look like you came here for a bit of excitement." Her eyes traveled down the other woman's form, taking in the slutty black pencil skirt with the slit she knew went almost to her crotch.

Hermione's head lifted from the crook of his neck and she looked lustily at the other woman, taking her bottom lip between her teeth. "Can we have her, baby? Pretty please?"

He responded by stepping away from Hermione slightly. She barely managed to drop her legs fast enough to avoid becoming an embarrassing heap on the floor. Dragging her by the wrist into the bathroom he looked over his shoulder at the other woman.

"Are you coming, or not?"

...

Hermione stared at the unconscious blond woman lying on the floor, attempting to exude an air of indifference. Sirius was currently holding his wand against the other woman's inner right thigh, dragging out a tiny rectangular object.

"Careful, you might be good with healing charms but any tearing's going to leave a scar."

"I _know_. I'm being as careful as I can."

Hermione sighed heavily and sat down on the floor, not bothering to sit carefully enough to cover her modesty. A few minutes later Sirius had managed to extract the slightly bloody miniaturised files and levitated them toward her. She screwed up her nose in disgust and cast a quick _scourgify_ before allowing it to drop to the floor in front of her.

"_Engorgio._" She moved her wand in a brisk swish and lifted the top page of the folder with her wand. "Perfect. _Gemino_." Another more complex wand movement followed and a duplicate of the stack of files sat neatly next to the original. She checked that the spell had done it's work and nodded in satisfaction when all the pages she cast her gaze over appeared to be perfect copies.

Both stacks of papers were then shrunk back to the size the original had been a few moments earlier and Hermione nodded at Sirius, indicating that it was fine for him to put the files back where he got them from.

She watched him work wordlessly, carefully sliding the miniaturised object back into the small gash in the other woman's leg and then casting a perfect healing charm over the area. He followed up by applying a small amount of a pain relieving salve with a cotton bud.

"She's all yours," he said with an exaggerated swish of his arm.

She moved closer to Miranda, being careful not to touch her and held her wand out to the other woman's temple. Casting a modified charm similar to one used when transferring memories to a pensieve, she pulled out a silvery stream of fake memories from a tiny bottle she had hidden in her bra. When all of the ghostly substance had entered the Russian's mouth she stood, satisfied that her job was done.

"Well, take your clothes off." She started unbuttoning the barely there top she had on and looked at Sirius expecantly.

"What?"

"I have to wake her up. You need to look like you've just shagged two women so take your fucking clothes off."

Sirius waggled his eyebrows at her and slowly started undoing the buttons of his shirt that Hermione hadn't already had her fingers at. She growled and stormed across the room, grabbing either side of the shirt and ripping it apart.

"There, now you look suitably ravaged. _Rennervate._" She quickly began doing up the tiny shell buttons of her sheer top and looked lustfully at the other woman. "Well, it's been fun, but we have to dash. My husband doesn't like me being out past midnight."

"Oh, I don't know," Miranda purred. "He seemed to be enjoying himself well enough."

Hermione laughed throatily. "Him? He's not my husband." She giggled as Sirius grabbed her by the wrist and dragged her out the door.

...

"Well that went well," Sirius exclaimed cheerily as he slammed the door of the BMW. "Added bonus that she had no idea who we were, though. Never saw that one coming."

Hermione looked at him sideways. "I was thinking more along the lines that she's just a dumb bitch who's being used to traffic into Britain, and thank Merlin we didn't bother torturing her for information."

Sirius cocked his head to the side. "That works too, I suppose."

They sat in silence for a while as the car drove itself. Hermione hadn't bothered putting on any music and for once Sirius missed the rather strange and eclectic tracks she favoured. He cast a sidelong glance and stifled a moan at the sight of her, the ridiculously high heel resting on top of the steering wheel helping to reveal a lengthy amount of tanned leg.

"Pull over."

"Why?"

"I need to check something."

She huffed and put her foot back on the pedals, taking over manual control of the car. Pulling over into the nearest parking lot she glared at him expectantly.

"Well? Go check."

Her eyes widened as he leaned across the car and took her lips with his. Sirius smirked into the kiss and tangled his hands in her hair. Forcing her head back he trailed his open mouth down her neck, finally reaching her chest and ripping apart the hatefully sexy top that had been teasing him all evening. She moaned gently and then pushed him away.

"What in Merlin's name do you thing you're doing, Black." She waved her banded finger in his face, but he could tell her heart wasn't really in it.

"I was checking something. Turns out I was right." He gave her a dark look and suddenly she was straddling his lap like she had been in the bar, lips desperately seeking his, hands roaming across his chest which was still exposed from her earlier destruction of his shirt. A few moments later she was pushing the damn annoying thing off his torso completely and had started on the buttons of his jeans.

"Jeans...good...no annoying robes," she gasped against his mouth, tongue teasing his as she pushed up on her knees, allowing her to force his pants and boxers down his legs. She hovered over his cock and he pushed her panties aside, thrusting up into her, moaning loudly at sensation of her tight wet cunt wrapped around him.

"Fuck, you're wet," he growled into her ear. "I knew you wanted me."

"Shut up and fuck me."

He thrust up into her again and she shivered and threw her head back. He gripped the long tendrils of hair hanging down her back and forced down one of the cups of her bra with the other hand. Leaning forward he latched onto a nipple and she let out a heady sigh. He bit down sharply and she twitched, bucking against his hips and forcing him deeper.

He took her action as affirmation of her words and began driving into her in earnest, head buried in the mass of hair at her shoulder. She was wearing Red Door. He loved Red Door.

"Oh, fuck! Harder!" She moaned, reaching up to grab the emergency handle by her head, the muscles straining in her arms as well as her thighs, striving for more leverage. He could feel himself getting close and was frustrated at his lack of stamina, but Hermione's flushed cheeks and glistening skin encouraged him. He pinched her nipple hard and stretched his large hand across her thigh to rub her clit. Her back arched and she bit down hard on her bottom lip, giving him an incredible view of the smooth, taught skin of her stomach. The sensation of her muscles clenching around his cock took away his control and he tensed, gasping as he came.

She leaned forward, hands on his shoulders pushing him back into the seat as she had done earlier that evening.

"Now that's out of our system can we go home now?" She raised herself up, allowing him to slip out of her. He leaned forward and licked her from between her breasts to the bottom of her chin. She shivered in pleasure and nipped at his lower lip.

She straightened her underwear, ignoring her torn top and settled herself back in the drivers seat.

"You could stay over here, you know. The car drives itself." Hermione glanced over with a raised eyebrow, breasts still glistening with sweat. "Do your pants up."

He smirked and turned on the stereo, choosing to ignore her demand. Two could play at that game.


End file.
